Ah, the office. Whether remote, hybrid or on-site, sometimes you just have the misfortune of hating everyone you work with. Gladys in HR is always side-eyeing your lunch jollof like she’s never seen rice before. Tunde’s “urgent” emails always land on weekends, like he’s the CEO of a startup called Weekend Disturbance. And your desk neighbour’s oversabi?
More annoying than getting stuck in Lagos traffic even after waking up early and using all the shortcuts. The most annoying of them will still wish you “happy new month!” despite being two weeks into March already 🙄🙄
Before you scream, “Abeg, make I resign!” and start updating your CV, try these tips to keep your sanity (and that paycheck) intact. Because, let’s face it, bills don’t pay themselves, and your side hustle cannot support all the billings that come with being an adult living in Nigeria.
So, grab put on your “I’m here, but I’m not here” face, and let’s get into how to survive this 9-to-5 or when you wake up to when you sleep (if you work in a startup) jungle without losing 100% of your mind, because you will undoubtedly lose some of it.
8 Tips to Make The Best Of Your Workday When You Hate Everyone You Work With
Save Your Energy for What Matters (Like Gathering Email Evidence)
You already don’t like your coworkers, so their petty drama is not your business. But let’s face facts: you can’t help but be entertained by it. What do they mean Ola went to report to HR that Charles spends too much time in the bathroom? Since when did Ola become the “Head of Toilet Time”?
And Charles sef, what’s really going on? Are we running a spa or an office? But don’t enjoy the drama too much, because like water going to the shore at the beach, that nonsense will surely find you. So, in the meantime, gather evidence. Keep those emails, Slack messages, and receipts together. You never know when you’ll need to pull a “See, I told you!” moment.
Put Together a “Nobody Should Disturb Me” Playlist
Nothing says “Don’t talk to me” like headphones in your ears. Your playlist should have enough songs about enjoyment, minding your business, the weekend (the days, not the singer), getting rid of your haters, and making money. Oh, and don’t forget at least three gospel songs for that dash of “To God Be The Glory.”
This combination will remind you why you’re here—to make money, mind your business, and provide the perfect soundtrack to imagining you’re a mafia boss shaking down your opps (aka all those coworkers who annoy your soul).
Master the Art of “I Don’t Know” (Insert Ayra Starr Meme)
Knowledge is power, but in this office, the less you know, the better. Your default answer to anything not directly linked to your KPI should be “I don’t know.” Let’s practice:
“Did you know this person did this?”
“I don’t know, oh.”
Where did this person go?
“I didn’t even know she was not around.”
“Are you aware of this?”
“This is the first I’m hearing.”
“I don’t know” has many variations. Learn how to use all of them.
Perfect Your Fake Laugh
You know the way rich men that play golf laugh? That deep, easy “I-have-money-and-I-don’t-care” kind of chuckle that sounds like they’re laughing at the world but also at themselves? Yeah, that one. Now, think about how celebrities laugh during TV interviews, that sweet, camera-ready, “I’m-so-relatable” small laugh. Now, combine both of them to create the perfect fake work laugh.
That’s the energy you need to bring to the office every time a coworker makes that dry joke drier than the eba you bought from that one place or your boss drops a bad pun that makes you want to scream, “Abeg, keep quiet, you are not funny.”
Your fake laugh is your secret weapon. It prevents you from having to talk to coworkers you can’t stand or from having unnecessary long conversations about things you couldn’t care less about.
Pretend Your Office Is A Netflix Show That’s Lost the Plot
Since you can’t quit yet, vivid imagination to the rescue!You already think your office is a mess, so why not turn it into entertainment? Imagine your workplace as a Netflix show that started strong in Season 1 but totally lost the plot by Season 3.
It has too many unnecessary subplots, characters who overstay their welcome, and storylines that make you wonder, “Abeg, who wrote this script, and where can I find them to knock their head?”
The next step is to assign everyone a role. We will give you two roles to get you started.
First, we have The Annoying Main Character: That coworker who’s always doing too much 24/7. They might know their work, but they act like they are the reason the company is even still standing. In reality, they’re still in that role because they know how to pretend they’re important. Left to you, they would have been out since.
Second is the Side Character Who Thinks They’re the Star: This could be your direct manager or your CEO. They are always dropping buzzwords like ‘leverage’, ‘circle back’, ‘think outside the box’, ‘disrupt’ and so on.
They’re the type to call a 2-hour meeting just to say, “Let’s think outside the box to strategize how we can disrupt the emerging market,” and then leave without contributing anything or even setting up follow-up plans.
If you plan this show well, you can sell it to Netflix and finally escape from your job!
Escape Every Time You Can
Ideally, the best way to avoid dealing with your coworkers is not to work there. So, what’s the next best thing? Escape. Every. Single. Chance. Escape for lunch breaks. Your lunch break is non-negotiable, whether it’s one hour, 30 minutes or even 20 minutes.
Don’t waste it sitting at your desk or answering Slack messages.
Escape for Out-of-Office Tasks. Find something to do outside. A client to visit? A “meeting” that requires you to leave the office? An event to attend? Volunteer for it like your life depends on it. Always extend the time. If the task should take 30 minutes, take 45.
Escape to Check Your Daily 2 Odds. Sometimes, the only thing keeping you going at work is the hope that today might be the day your bet code hits. Find a quiet corner where no one will disturb you, or do it in that one meeting that should have been an email.
Open your betting app and check if your guy has sent the code. While you’re at it, imagine what you’ll do when you win. Will you quit your job? Buy that car you’ve been eyeing? Start your own business? Keep it low-key, sha.
Don’t let anyone catch you checking your odds. You don’t need Moses asking if you can “bless him with free bet code for today.” Set Boundaries with the Sureness of the National Grid Collapsing Every 3 Business Days
Set Boundaries with the Sureness of the National Grid Collapsing Every 3 Business Days
See finish is not your portion. You’re not here to be the office superhero, the yes-man, or the person who does everyone else’s job while they’re busy doing less than nothing. If anybody asks you to do anything even one inch above your capacity, look for the most formal way to say you cannot do it, like “I’m sorry, but I cannot accommodate that at this time.”
Practice it in the mirror if you have to. Add a polite smile for extra vim. The goal is to be professional but still nice so no one can accuse you of being difficult. Remember, you’re not a generator or inverter; you’re not here to power anybody’s work but your own.
